Nothing New. I'm Still Here, As Always.

It's going just fine. Life is fine. I gave math exams and they were pretty fine, I think. I could still use a bit more studying though so yeah.

Thang is acting weird lately. I don't know, he just doesn't talk to anyone and suddenly he is talking to me and it feels really weird. He is cool though. I like him, like as a friend. He doesn't seem like a really far away person now.

Kapil invited me over for group studying and it was cool. We had fun and all which was nice. Pawan has been nice to me too. Abhishek and I surprisingly have new inside jokes. He seems really nice and a good person to talk to. I mean I just got to know him so I don't know. Kapil has been nice ever since and I finally told him his captions sucked. Which was btw, really hilarious.

I don't feel like studying so I haven't. And that sucks, for me, obviously but whatever, I'll get over it.

I tried cooking a few days back. Cinnamon rolls, well, let's just say they didn't turn out as planned. I mean I'm not a cooking person but I liked to think I could cook if I had recipes but no, that proved to be wrong so I'm avoiding cooking. At least for a while.

I looked cute today. So obviously, everyone stared and I kinda like attention, so it was good.
We also had to make two braids to tuition. But I avoided the braids, just made two ponies and went. Everyone still thinks I'm cute which is sort of nice but not. I don't know.

My hair looks good. It's straighter and much more presentable and it feels nice to have presentable hair.
And I think I know why Hamara likes her fucking hair so much. she puts so much effort into it. We don't even know how she looked earlier, we don't know shit about her. Where did she come from? Which school? What did she look like? Did she change? We don't know crap. So whatever.

But I have decided, eleventh will be my eye opening experience. I will not fear anything, I will make myself professional and looks wise, I will improve. I will study better and look gorgeous, lose weight and everything.
New class, New start, right? No need for a new school, for a new start. It'll be more hectic and painful like that. It's better this way.

Plus, I found this amazing series, Manhattan Love Story. I love it so much. It's so freaking good.

That's all I was up to, I think. Good Bye!

Class Is Officially Over. Get Ready To Be Segregated.

Last day of class 10. We all get separated after this. Science, commerce and arts. Our future decides what type of social life we'll have, what type of things we'll do, what type of person we will be.

Many people are leaving and unfortunately, my only best guy friend is too. Adam is leaving and I'll probably never meet him again. Sure, we'll try to keep in touch, but how much? Ultimately, we'll give in to our school and our pressure, right? It wasn't going to be the same anymore. I wasn't too happy about this. To be honest, I wasn't happy at all. We would all be in different classes in the same school and we'll have to make new friends which I'm really crappy at.

Without Adam, it would be really bad. He was the constant source of fun to me and I love him so much. I don't know about him, but I was going to miss him, a lot. Without him, the class would always seem empty, the food which we sneaked under our tables and ate would be tasteless, the stupid pranks he would pick at people wouldn't be there anymore, the constant troubling and annoying me would be gone, the teachers looking at that one boy who was so talkative he wouldn't shut his trap, the boy who'd stand outside the class just for fun even though he'd completed his assignment, the guy who came to mean so much to me that I'd give up so much for him to stay by my side. I just wish we don't get apart by this distance. It hurts me that I already know the answer to it is no but I'm not ready to admit it. He'll always be in my heart. I know that for sure.

I'll miss this time and the friends, and enemies I made here. I'll miss the stupid remarks we made. I'll miss the teachers we had fun with. I'll miss that moment when we hid chalk and markers so that our English teacher doesn't teach us but she still did. I'll miss the moments I cried, the moments I lughed so hard I cried again and I'll cherish them till the end of infinity.

I cried, many more did too. But we'll be strong and our bonds will be too. Someday, when all of this will be over, we'll meet and narrate the same idiotic incidents that happened with so much pride and I know I'll wait for it.

For the time being, let's allow our fates and destinies to handle the wheel for us and look at where we land up.

I'm Never Coming Back.

This life I freaking live is not the dream I want to live in. There are so many things I'd change about my life and what I aspire to provide to my kids and become the best parent.

1. I'd stand up for them all the time. I'd make sure they ain't pressurised ever.
2. I'd break rules with them if they want to because uptight parents are the worst thing ever.
3. I'd provide them with all the things a regular teenager needs- laptops, wifi, kindle, every freaking thing and preferably of the top companies. I'll make sure I earn so much that I can afford to provide them with these things.
4. They get their space.
5. They get into the top schools of a country and preferably the ICSE board.
6. I'll make sure I'm their best friend before being a parent. I don't embarrass them in front of their friends(a bit, sure, that'd be purely intentional though xD)
7. I'll make sure to actually take care after them that much that they turn out to be freaking models which is a field in which I absolutely lack in. Looks, I mean. 
8. I'll make sure I put them in so many classes before they get into academic pressure so that they don't complain they are less than anybody or don't have any talents.
9. I'll spend time with them.
10. I'll make sure to travel, a lot. 
11. I'll make sure I get them everything of the best quality.
12. I won't freak out if they got a boyfriend or girlfriend and be the cool mother.
13. I'll let them do what they want to- write a blog, sure. Study Arts, sure. Not study and watch movies or read books, sure, go ahead. 

This is exactly what my parents have taught me. Even though it was more than enough, I always needed more, and I'll make sure I provide them with the things that I didn't get.

This is why I never want to come back here. And I won't. Once i finish my studies off, I'm done here.

A Rodent In My Room Or Was I Just Being Paranoid?

This is sick. I really think there is a mouse in my room but(yes, there is a but) I haven't seen it. I mean maybe the things at my foot just were piled up in a way that they moved when my feet touched it or it was the mouse. I'm not really sure about that. And I hope there isn't any because excuse me? I don't like sharing what's mine!(especially with a rat, no, thanks.)

It was a hell-ish day. Alexander hasn't talked to me once even though he almost did say we were okay. I know we're not but please, act like it is if you say it is, right? Not that it is a good thing but tomorrow is the last day of class after which we all get separated, at least don't avoid me. You can avoid me more than anything else after tomorrow. I'll still feel bad but don't ruin the last day? Ugh.

I'll probably even leave school after the exams. I don't know yet but I might. So yeah, he can avoid me all he wants then.

Hamara. God. I don't know. I don't like her, I know that but WHY DID I CONSOLE HER TODAY SO THAT SHE COULD CLING TO ME MORE? Maybe I'm just way too nice for my own good which is gross because I just dug a deeper hole for myself and she is thinking how nice I am whereas I'm not. I bitch about her and it's really bad. I mean having a best friend who bitches about is bad, right? Right. But at least she's got Alex. He talks and cares for her, and it's insane. She cries and he's by her side and when I'm shattered, he won't even ask me whether I'm okay. It feels like we never even had anything and we were just strangers from the start.

Plus, now Adam, literally talks to Hamara so much. I know it's somewhat because Alex is best friends with her and first me, Adam and Alex were the three musketeers and we would absolutely rock it but now they replaced me, even though they actually didn't, it felt like they id and it wasn't a very nice feeling either. It hurt to see that even though they knew how much I hate Hamara, they replaced me with her. I mean anyone would hurt, but her, that hurt more.

My brother stole my brand new shoes which I bought just two days ago and hadn't even worn till now, wore them and dirtied them and so, I'm not talking to that dimwit. This is so stupid, Didn't even ask, that brat. I hate him.

Asante and I have been amazing and I'm so happy about that. It's amazing how we have each other and I hope nothing ever separates us, whether it be distance or different classes pr anything at all. I love her so much. :)

Ian had a blind date and he told me all about it. I don't know if he likes Sydney(his date) or not but it feels stupid that I don't have anybody. I'm happy for him, I guess. I'll admit Ian is damn hot and I'd be glad to be with him but for that to happen I have to move on which is seemingly impossible in the same school so it'd be amazing if I changed schools. New school, new perspective, new social life, new everything. I get to create a new image and I'd probably move on so quick that I won't even look at Alex again.

My exams. Well, Rest In Peace to them. I haven't even touched my books.

That's it. Good Night! :)

Awkward Moments Are Just My Type Of Thing.

It was a great day if I summarise it myself but yeah awkward moments just have to come my way. My dance performance in the morning was freaking me out. of course, I had to be a klutz and forget the cape thing I had to wear at home and so there had to be chaos. we hadn't practised enough to be ready with the presentation either, I forgot part of it on stage and that means only me. but whatever, it was all worth it at the end of the day, I guess. 

I sat with Caleb and had fun, Barbara was fun too, I got pictures clicked of myself with almost all my friends. Adam actually came to me to get a pic clicked with me which is so rare. 

Alexander was missing, though. I wanted a picture with him too, and after all the fighting we'd done and everything, I was still freaking out about one thing more than anything else. This year, we all get separated and I won't ever get to see Alex or talk to him because with others I knew they'd talk and call me some time but Alex, I wasn't that sure. I wasn't sure that I'd have the guts to actually talk to him too. what would I even talk about? plus I'm sure he thinks I'm a boring freak who is so desperate but anyways, I wished he would come today to school, I mean I looked pretty in that dress. not my words. I wanted him to look at me. I wanted to grab his attention. but whatever, I ain't that lucky.

My T.O.M. couldn't wait any longer too so yeah I had a hell of a time running around just fifteen minutes before my dance came up, looking for tampons because of course, the only day I needed them so badly, I didn't have any. 

Hamara, my supposedly best friend, who I really don't even like but she forces me into calling her that so whatever. wait, does that make her a bully? so she came back to school after what-not infections. I mean I'm quite sure she was studying for the exams and she might be a little sick too but yeah, I had to listen to her rant about her headaches and her stomach infections and what-not. I also have to listen to her gush over my ex-boyfriend and current crush, Alex because supposedly they are best friends. 

Sometimes, I think I never knew Alex and sometimes I think I know him by heart. he sends conflicting signals. I mean one time he'll announce that Hamara and he are bestest friends and then he'll come up to Adam and tell him to tell me that I'm so much better off without talking to Hamara. I don't get it. he once even said he had a crush on her and then he says this...? I'm so confused I have no idea what to think about.

Ian and I started talking again which is sort of great but he's addicting and I need to focus on my exams so I'm gonna blow him off for a month so I don't get too addicted to the vulgar yet funny human. 

Sampson became a loner and has no one to talk so I spent half of my break with him which was great and I hope he felt better. 

Asante has been really friendly and its great to have a constant in my life. She's been my friend for as long as I entered school and I hope it stays that way till I die. 

I hate Hamara like I used to. I really can't tolerate her anymore. She has been a pain in my ass and I don't know how I'll solve this. I really want to stay away from her so much. So damn much.

Tuitions are great. They are the best thing ever. The true definition of learning is fun. the people are cheerful and I don't need to actually be with them for more than two hours and it works great that way. Street food however with these people is amazing and the best thing ever. I'm going to cherish these moments forever.

So the best way out right now is that I pack these things off in a box and focus on my exams and then think about this crap later. 

Happy Valentine's Day? Yeah, right.

I just couldn’t reach out. I couldn’t get my hands to move. I couldn’t even speak the words my heart wanted to say. I couldn’t utter his name. It was too hard. I shivered when I tried to admit it, tried to admit whatever my heart wanted. I was scared, too scared for my own good. I knew his answer. He wasn’t into me. At all.

I couldn’t move my hand to go ahead and ruffle his hair like I once could. I couldn’t get the energy to speak what was on my mind even if it wasn’t related to him. I was in too deep and I had no clue. I thought I was moving on, moving on from whatever daze I was in for the past one and a half year but I wasn’t moving on, I was just digging myself up in deeper than before. I had no idea how to come out and nobody could pull me out either. Only he could and he wasn’t willing to. And of course, I knew the reason. It was all my fault. All my fault. I’d lost him. I couldn’t even go ahead and say hi. I couldn’t go ahead and say anything. I couldn’t go back to the way I was.

He had moved on. I knew it. my brain did at least. My heart didn’t believe it but it was true. He’d forgotten me because I was worthless. I meant nothing to him. Not anymore.

Why had he come to sit near me? I don’t know. But one thing I knew for sure, was that he’d moved on at a pace that he could sit near me and not lose his breath. He could sit near me and his heartbeat would be at a normal pace. He could sit there and smile like nothing ever happened. Like he didn’t know how much I wanted him. How much I liked him. How obsessed I was with him. How happy I would be if I hadn’t broken up. How amazing the scenario would be if I still had him, just that I didn’t anymore. And it was hurting me. And it wasn’t hurting him, not a tiny bit.

Maybe he was there because he wanted me to say something or maybe I was just overthinking. Maybe he just wanted to listen to the teacher better because it was the first bench where I was sitting on and maybe just maybe he wanted me back. Nope, I'm definitely overthinking this.

I wouldn’t get the happy ending I asked for. My story wouldn't be like the fairy tales I wished for when I was little. I wouldn’t be the princess because I didn’t deserve to be. I was the side supported of the protagonists who doesn’t get the endings she wishes for because everything doesn’t end well. Some things are meant to be broken. Broken until they realise they aren’t so broken and they can be independent and they don’t need a guy because they aren’t some damsel in distress. But I wanted to be the damsel in distress and I wanted my knight in shining armour. Only I couldn’t get one.

She was right. How much I actually ignore the words she says, they’ll remain with me forever. I’ll always love him. Because I do. I wouldn’t move on because I'm so guilty. I couldn’t move on to another guy and date him cuz I was too deep into his shit to give a fuck about any other guys’. I’m so heartbroken that I wouldn’t fall in love with anyone because I had tripped once. Really hard that too. I wasn’t able to stand up and it would last a lifetime. But you can't always change what's supposed to happen, right? Right. I couldn’t get him because he didn't want me and it was going to stay that way however much I wanted it not to. And the sad part was, I deserved it. I deserved all of it.