I just couldn’t reach out. I couldn’t get my hands to move. I couldn’t even speak the words my heart wanted to say. I couldn’t utter his name. It was too hard. I shivered when I tried to admit it, tried to admit whatever my heart wanted. I was scared, too scared for my own good. I knew his answer. He wasn’t into me. At all.
I couldn’t move my hand to go ahead and ruffle his hair like I once could. I couldn’t get the energy to speak what was on my mind even if it wasn’t related to him. I was in too deep and I had no clue. I thought I was moving on, moving on from whatever daze I was in for the past one and a half year but I wasn’t moving on, I was just digging myself up in deeper than before. I had no idea how to come out and nobody could pull me out either. Only he could and he wasn’t willing to. And of course, I knew the reason. It was all my fault. All my fault. I’d lost him. I couldn’t even go ahead and say hi. I couldn’t go ahead and say anything. I couldn’t go back to the way I was.
He had moved on. I knew it. my brain did at least. My heart didn’t believe it but it was true. He’d forgotten me because I was worthless. I meant nothing to him. Not anymore.
Why had he come to sit near me? I don’t know. But one thing I knew for sure, was that he’d moved on at a pace that he could sit near me and not lose his breath. He could sit near me and his heartbeat would be at a normal pace. He could sit there and smile like nothing ever happened. Like he didn’t know how much I wanted him. How much I liked him. How obsessed I was with him. How happy I would be if I hadn’t broken up. How amazing the scenario would be if I still had him, just that I didn’t anymore. And it was hurting me. And it wasn’t hurting him, not a tiny bit.
Maybe he was there because he wanted me to say something or maybe I was just overthinking. Maybe he just wanted to listen to the teacher better because it was the first bench where I was sitting on and maybe just maybe he wanted me back. Nope, I'm definitely overthinking this.
I wouldn’t get the happy ending I asked for. My story wouldn't be like the fairy tales I wished for when I was little. I wouldn’t be the princess because I didn’t deserve to be. I was the side supported of the protagonists who doesn’t get the endings she wishes for because everything doesn’t end well. Some things are meant to be broken. Broken until they realise they aren’t so broken and they can be independent and they don’t need a guy because they aren’t some damsel in distress. But I wanted to be the damsel in distress and I wanted my knight in shining armour. Only I couldn’t get one.
She was right. How much I actually ignore the words she says, they’ll remain with me forever. I’ll always love him. Because I do. I wouldn’t move on because I'm so guilty. I couldn’t move on to another guy and date him cuz I was too deep into his shit to give a fuck about any other guys’. I’m so heartbroken that I wouldn’t fall in love with anyone because I had tripped once. Really hard that too. I wasn’t able to stand up and it would last a lifetime. But you can't always change what's supposed to happen, right? Right. I couldn’t get him because he didn't want me and it was going to stay that way however much I wanted it not to. And the sad part was, I deserved it. I deserved all of it.
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